What to Do If You or Someone You Love is Experiencing Relational Violence

Choosing to step away from emotional abuse is never easy. It takes strength, courage, and often a great deal of skillful preparation. If you don’t have close friends or family to support you right now, please consider reaching out to a local women’s shelter or a trauma-informed organization that can help you navigate this with safety and care.

Here are a few gentle reminders and next steps you can take as you begin tending to yourself more fiercely:

1. Tend to your well-being—body, mind, and spirit.
Before anything else, bring your focus inward. Prioritize your healing. Let your energy go toward what nourishes you, not what depletes you. You do not need to keep trying to soothe someone who is harming you. Begin listening to your own needs and take even the smallest step toward what affirms your worth.

2. Begin setting boundaries that honor your dignity.
You have every right to name what is and isn’t okay. You can say, “I will not allow myself to be yelled at, insulted, or dismissed.” You can follow through with clarity when those boundaries are crossed. This isn’t about controlling them—it’s about protecting your nervous system and reclaiming your ground.

3. Gently release the lie that this is your fault, that you “made” them do it, and that you are broken.
Abuse is a choice someone else makes. It is not a reflection of your value or your love. The confusion, self-blame, and shame you may feel are all natural responses when someone repeatedly undermines your sense of self. But let this truth settle in: you are not the problem. You are not broken. You are being harmed—and it’s okay to name that.

4. You are not here to fix someone else’s damage. Their emotional wellbeing is not your responsibility.
You cannot heal another person by losing yourself. No matter how much love or effort you offer, someone who chooses to hurt others must decide to change on their own. You cannot carry their healing for them. Your job is to come home to your own clarity and care.

5. Disengage from harmful dynamics whenever possible. You don’t have to participate.
When cruelty or manipulation arises, you do not need to explain yourself, apologize for things that aren’t yours, or absorb someone else's pain as your own. If you feel safe enough, simply walk away. Refuse the invitation to re-enter cycles that steal your peace.

6. Reach for connection. There are people who want to support you.
Abuse thrives in silence and isolation. Find one safe person to talk to—a friend, a counselor, a family member. Let someone witness you. Let someone remind you of your worth. If you can, spend more time in spaces where you are cherished and affirmed.

7. Create a plan to leave when the time is right.
If the person causing harm is unwilling to take responsibility or change, this relationship will continue to erode your well-being. Begin envisioning your exit strategy. What support will you need? Who can help? Trust that you deserve a life that feels safe, sacred, and free.

If you are in danger, your safety comes first. Please do not hesitate to contact local authorities or crisis resources.

8. Keep learning.
Understanding emotional abuse—its patterns, its impact, its effects on the nervous system—can bring a sense of validation and clarity. Knowledge is power, especially when it helps you find language for your experience.

Above all, know this:

You are not alone. You are not to blame. You deserve love that is soft and gentle. There is a path forward.

It’s okay to ask for help.